Dating around 50

Male in his late 40’s, single again, now dating talking to his now single female friends over 50 about dating. 

Last night I had a conversation with some folks about the whole dating scene, and particularly online dating.  I was told I was a pessimist about online dating, but truth is I’m a realist. 

I think that online dating and lottery winning chances are comparable in many ways. 

Most people win lessor prizes and it happens all the time. You win that $20 scratch off and think you’ve struck gold for 5 minutes only to pour that money back in to see if you can really strike it rich then next time. But, after you loose, you wish you had the $20 back in your pocket. 

But online dating tends to be pretty superficial. We look at a photo, we swipe left or right. Maybe there is a profile and we see they like everything we like, but hey, they like country music or rap… moving on. Or we filter out great opportunities completely… 50 years+ 

At what point do you move the upper end of your search, especially if you are a guy?

Age is a factor of how you see yourself.  Sure we know lots of great relationships with age disparity, but when you consider the factors of vitality, worldliness, experience, open mindedness, and knowing that partner could possibly be there for the long term, what goes through your mind?

The scariest thing in dating is pure honesty. 

It’s a very harsh thing to be judged by strangers who really don’t know you. And you don’t want to waste your time, but at the same token, you don’t need to spill your guts about everything. Of course somethings are a must, like STI status. And that brings me to my big point. 

Sex driven dating. 

You look at a site like Tinder, and almost every woman on there writes “not looking for a hookup” and Tinder is known to be a hookup site, so it’s like what the fuck are you thinking. 

So friends who are looking in places like OKCupid and Match.com which are the same company these days find that guys are really motivated by sex. Hooking up is part of the end game for many. Not saying all, but depending on the situation, it really is what should be an expectation that women have from a dating site. And I’m speaking from the experience that my female friends tell me. 

Women do want to have sex, but generally speaking, sex is on the terms of the women.  I can’t think of a dating situation where the woman says, I want to fuck, and the guy says, I think we should wait for a few dates, and see how it goes. It probably happens, but not often. 

Dating and being with someone is about feeling a little bit more special, because you hope you mean something to someone. You want each day to wake up knowing that someone actually gives a fuck that you are on this planet. And it’s nice to know that you may be in the arms of that person hugging and enjoying each other’s company day after day, because as I have been quoted before, 

The purpose of life is to love. 

But as we join the online dating pools, buyer beware. You will have to hunt for the diamonds in the rough. And they are out there. But you will find a lot of false ones along the way. But when you find that precious one, hold on tight to that. 

But if you exhaust the pool of online dating, and many will become frustrated with it, develop your personality, and find relationships organically. My best experiences have been from meeting people in real life and they have been the great source of friendship and love. 

Love, High School and Reunions

Recently I attended my 30th Year high school reunion.  And if you are like many people who attend these sort of things, you wonder about people and how they are doing, and what became of different people.  In my case, I knew of a lot of people, but I didn’t really know a lot of people.  Events like these can create new friends from existing classmates.  You find out all of the one off friendships that you probably missed out.  Sometimes that’s a great start for creating new friendship, and it’s a great thing.

So I’ll be honest, I was hoping to make a connection with someone.  Looking for that available person who I might be able to hit it off with.  Alas, that just wasn’t going to happen.  I’m disappointed because I feel like it’s me.  I really believe that sharing this formidable years together growing up means we share a common basis for long lasting friendships.  And while I have that, all of the other things that seem to prevent me from having longer term relationships start to kick in.  Typical things, like this one smokes, or this person doesn’t take care of themself, or simply just not being attracted to someone.

But then what about love.  So a few of my High School crushes were there.  One was single and one was married, and I danced with them both.  I think it was a great time and wasn’t weird at all.  But the way I feel today about my crushes today is so different than 34 years ago.  I guess I resigned myself to let go.  I don’t know if I released them or me from my head.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want a friendship, but I don’t feel like I’m in love, as if there is some great possiblities.  I see great friendships, and that’s good, but love. I’ve never felt it change in my head before like it did in just the last few days.  I suppose it’s similar to what happened with me and my ex wife.  Great friends, but the romantic connection is gone.  I grieve a little bit in a way, because I did love romantically, even if it has always been unrequited.

In some cases I may never know how some people feel.  Some people resign or repress their feelings, because they are stuck in the place they are in, and we take these things to our graves.  I wonder what it would be like if someone told me the loved me, but said, take the knowledge of my love, even though I can not act upon it.  Would that sustain you, or make one fight hard for love?  Or maybe you don’t have to fight for it as long as you aren’t cut off from communication, because that would be the worst.

So the next day I was supposed to do things with many different people, and I was ghosted.  I made calls and sent texts, and not responses, from anyone.  I was sad.  Here I am with nothing to do, and I just wanted to hang out with friends.  I started to wonder, can you really go home again? I don’t know.  I’m torn between what was a wonderful get together of friends and classmates, and still being alone in the world.  Tomorrow I will return to my other life, with a completely different set of friends and colleagues, and I will continue my pursuit of normalcy.  But had I had a life altering experience, I would have considered setting things in motion to completely transform my life.

What’s online?¬†

Are you burnt out? Has the political crap and every other thing just making you want to tune out? Is it media overload?

Hey look at this! Read this. Listen to this?

Seems like we are feeding more and more into that online world where we act, react and create content. But who is curating it? 

I look at my own online persona and wonder, photos, words, posts, videos… can I even figure out where I am in the online tapistry?  Who do we create these masterpieces for? Friends, family, lovers, haters? Who is watching?

We used to talk about TV as having 300 channels with nothing on. Where are we now? More content and people vying for your time more so than ever before. We are the product. We create it and we are sold. 

This weekend I will be at my reunion. No doubt, we will be tweeting; facebooking, instagraming, snapchatting and more. And it will be fun, and the moment will last as a moment in time. Facebook will remind us in a year or 5 years that we were there. They will show us photos. 

But so much content. We are snapping moments and letting them be cast to the wind. 24 hours of a story, then gone forever. The trend is living in the now. 

I don’t know if that is so great, because you have to examine your life. It’s hard to know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been. 

I want to remember the people I love, as we have been, and as we are. Online is a slice of life. Good or bad, it’s at least moments to share. And I’m glad to be able to do so. 

Good Morning thoughts

I woke up this morning, looked at the time, it was 6:12am and thought, do I want to get up or sleep in?  I haven’t had a real chance to go and take some good photos of the sunrise lately and I knew, if it wasn’t raining, now would be a perfect time.  There were three possibilities that laid before me, run, photos or sleep.  I was awake, so going back to sleep would just probably a bit silly.  I wanted to run, but there is always the evening, even though rain has been in the forecast.  Then I had my nice camera out, and decided, get some great photos.  So I did, I quickly got dressed and made my way out to the beach, a block away from sleep central.  At first I didn’t want to get up, but something drew up to do it.  I only had 5 minutes before actual sunrise.  That moment when the sun broaches the horizon and the most spectacular show commences.  Depending on the clouds, you can see an array of different colors from golds to brilliant shades of blue.  The ocean’s expansiveness only adds to the amazing moments that occur for the brief moments during sunrise.

Sunrise on Cocoa Beach with Pier at 6:30AM
Sunrise

It is mostly quite on the beach.  There are a few people walking or running along.  Some people taking photos like myself.  And some just take in the beauty of the moment.

I think that watching the sunrise reminds me that we get to have a reset.  It’s a new day.  It’s a new beginning.  Each time the sun rises, it’s a chance at a new moment, and it is my moment to make.  No one can stop the sun on its set course, and it is constant in its walk through the sky.  So we are reminded that we have another opportunity to make the moments of our lives, and the lives of others be the best that they can be each and every day.

The old man and the submarine…

I was a young man once long ago,
And I look in the mirror and feel I have not aged.
But I look a people all around me,
And I know that everything must change.

I am not old, as I shake my fist into the air,
I am me, the same young guy.
But I see my friends, and they are old,
And they are tired, and gray.

Like the Beatle’s Yellow Submarine,
I am that man from your town, who sailed to sea,
Beneath the waves,
On a yellow submarine.

I do not like to think I’m old.
And yet it is not a bad place to be.
I am for once not too old,
And not too young.

But every day, I become more and more that old man from the submarine.

#Love is…

  • Not a fleeting thought.
  • Not something you ever fall out of. 
  • Not to be taken lightly. 
  • Not a physical thing. 
  • Not the same for everyone.
  • Given freely without reciprocation. 
  • Something that may transform through time. 
  • The foundation of our being and the reason for our existence. 
  • What gives us strength and courage. 
  • What gives us empathy. 
  • Sunshine and hugs, and protection. 
  • Tears. 
  • Everlasting and timeless. 
  • Energy.
  • Selflessness.
  • Spiritual. 
  • Family. 
  • Friends. 
  • You and me. 

WonderWoman and the CIS Male

I recently read and article that said WonderWoman is a role model for Women and Gay Men. And like the scratch of a needle from a record, I was like, WTF! I love WW, and she is a role model for me, a CIS male too. 

There is a universality that great heros bring to a story. Bravery, integrity, strong moral code. Sorry, just because WW is female, doesn’t mean I can’t identify with that. 

But WW takes guys like me to another place that maybe many women have been sitting thinking for so long as they watch other superhero films, where do I fit in as supporting cast? Women are given, Lois Lane, Catwoman, and myriad other love interests. 

D.C. has done well is creating a type of tension between Batman and WonderWoman that can almost be described as a moonlighting type romance (see Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepard). But for WonderWoman love is the most powerful force in the universe. It drives all the rest of the reasons for her to uplift and defend the weak.  

We know that all of the Greek gods have mortal emotions, and we watch the transformation of Diana into someone who understands her role as a mighty superhero, and that is partially because of the affect of Steve Trevor. 

I am just fine with being Steve Trevor, an imperfect male who want to see this incredible woman succeed in every way. My flaw is trying to help, for good or bad, because WonderWoman can do it herself, and in fact, it is me who benefits from her help.  

If CIS men would look at women a bit more like Wonder women, than princesses, they might see women reaching some of the highest potential rather than being pushed aside. I have an amazing mom, a total WonderWoman in her own right. I think as a guy, when you see women, strong and powerful, it only adds to who you are.

For me, I see myself as Batman, who stands in awe and in love with WonderWoman. 

Moments that make you want to return to your hobbit hole. 

I’m at an awards banquet tonight, and it’s probably the last place I want to be on a Sunday night. I’m supporting cast, and I’m presenting some lame award as part of the evening events. And trust me, it’s like crazy person of the year award. 

So what happens when you lose your motivation for something you are passionate about? Sometimes you have to realize that it is just time to go. Service is an important part of what makes us have purpose. We do things that we hope will enrich the lives of others. We hope that the impact we make on organizations will be positive. And yet the forces that push back on you can push back hard. People can feel like they are battling a group of people who don’t share the same goals and dreams. And this leads to the feeling of flight. You can only fight so much before you are done beating your head up against the wall. You watch the money clubs and disappointments from moment to moment. And you know, it’s time to go. 

I believe in honor, courage and commitment. And they may be the Navy core of values. But they are what leads one to total devotion to duty and keeping with the highest tradition of being an American. When the reason for things is any but these goals, then I know, it’s time to go. 

I will retreat to my hobbit hole and have my second breakfasts and look at the things in my mantle and remember the positive times. 

WonderWoman: A Love Story

So I saw WonderWoman today in IMAX 3D. I’m just going to start by saying, go see this movie. It’s outstanding!

This movie gets so much right about creating this superhero. They bring her back to her roots as a powerful being. But in this movie we learn that there is so much more to Diana Prince than a prettt smile and a bunch of toys from the gods. 

Some people were wondering about that accent. After the first 10 minutes of the movie it all makes sense. She didn’t grow up in America, she grew up on paradise island. Enough said there. 

I can’t say I have read all the comic books, but from what I can tell is that they have taken a bit from many different D.C. Incarnations and what they created is spectacular. 

The interesting thing is your level of suspension of disbelief never has to happen very much until she gets active as a superhero. But the movie isn’t about using her powers or I should say supernatural powers. It’s about who she is a human being and as a woman in society. What is she fighting for? And what? Those are the moral delimnas that we watch her face head on and overcome. 

She is everyone’s sister, or mother, or wife, or daughter, or female friend, at least the one that I would want. From my male perspective this strong woman doesn’t scare me, because I know we need equals in this world to be our mates. WonderWoman stand tall, more than equal, she is a goddess, and yet with many of the emotions of a human being. 

Empathy and love go hand in hand. This story will take you on a journey. The lessons of why we do things come up over and over again. We do them for the right reasons, and no surprise we see WonderWoman fighting for justice, and the most transformative moment in this movie will probably bring you to tears. 

Go see this movie, its an intense ride of your life that will make you fall in love with WonderWoman all over again. 

Chain of Command

Hey you rogue agent? You know who I’m talking about? You think you know better than everyone else… you want to do it your own way because you believe you have the right answers. Well stop it!!! 

I am watching organizational breakdown occcur because people do not understand their roles within the organization. If you do not like the answer your boss gives you, that doesn’t mean you go around them to force your opinion onto your boss. That is a sure fired way to create bad blood in your workplace, even if you are right. 

So how can you win? Three steps to success. 

  1. Determine your chain of command. 
  2. Let them hang. 
  3. Pick your battles

1.  Have your boss or organization make the communication chain clear. You shouldn’t feel that people are too busy or they won’t give you an answer.

2.  When you have an issue bring it up vehemently with your leader. If they tell you they have got it, trust them. Let them lead. You are the subordinate, and while you are appreciated in what you do, most things do not have a sense of urgency that require you to throw your boss under the bus. When you do have a different opinion, be ready to support it with facts and figures and urgency if it needs immediate attention.  But do cross the line, after you have done your part, they need to do theirs, and if it means they hang, no one will come back on you. 

3. Pick your battles. If you create an adversarial relationship with your boss, you will be doomed in your work place. You have to figure out what is worth fighting for? Like your credibility, or doing the right thing, ethically. But sometimes being right for the sake of being right doesn’t always rue the day. Many times there are different ways to approach a problem, and your idea is just one of a few solutions. 

Ask yourself:

  • Will I lose sleep over this issue?
  • Will I lose my job over this?
  • Will the company lose business over this?
  • Do I understand all the pros and cons?

Once you do all of that, figure out if is worth it. If it is, the. Go for it. Otherwise, let them hang. 

Once a lead/boss hangs a few times, they will see your value, and you will be a person they go to for your opinion and you will have a good working relationship as a go to person. 

If everything is a fight or done around the bosses back, you will create an environment of failure. 

Build bridges at work. It’s the only way to succeed.