Today, I’m confused now more than ever. And I read what I wrote below and left in draft mode, and now i’m back at it, thinking about a lot of things. I’m thinking about motivations, and interactions, inducements and why. The truths of people’s observations of nearly 100 years ago, are still true today. We are as likened to our animal instincts as we are the greater human being that we believe we aspire to be. Pavlov, Skinner, Maslow, and Marston seem to key in on human behavior factors that all converge in an order. Maslow understood the why. Pavlov saw that process, Skinner focused on the sticks and carrots, and Marston saw the subtleties as things related to men and women. Marston suggests without realizing it, that it is much easier to induce someone who is low on the Maslow scale than it is on the upper end of the scale. Depending on where you fit in. But we are all conditioned within the scope our our relationships and realities, and we work hard to avoid negative reinforcement.
Still digesting a lot of material, there is a connection and when I find it, I will let you know.
Written in June 2017….
I remember my friend telling me, you have to be an asshole to women. In fact the more of an asshole you are, the more they desire you.
He said, you know your problem, you are a nice guy.
It’s true, I consider myself unfortunately a nice guy. I think it is because I am wrapped up in believing that we narrative of what women want is someone who will treat them with respect and as an equal, and love them.
Oh how untrue that is, at least for many. I have a female friend who is single and dating. We were talking about how she would break up and make up with the same guy. And the more he pulled away, the stronger her attraction to keep the relationship alive became.
You want what you can’t have.
Just like my friend who said I was a nice guy; he would treat the woman I knew very bad, call her names, and publicly shame her. The more he did that, the more she would come around to bother him. She just wouldn’t leave her alone. He said clearly, he had no desire to be with her, and it was true. And the more he would push away the more she would bother him.
I have had my share of crushes or loves or whatever you want to call them. And it is interesting to me that I can build these wonderful friendships but they don’t seem to go anywhere. And I wonder if it’s because I’m too available. It’s like I’m easy.
What is the carrot that these guys dangle in front of a woman that keeps them just interested enough to stay engaged, and yet not quick to dismiss these shenanigans?
I’m not saying that all of these is true for everyone but I can clearly see that as we search for people, sometimes it is the unobtainable that is the most desirable.
But what if you get what you want?
Maybe you break someone down and they finally decide, you are right, you are the person that I should be in a romantic relationship with? That clearly describes my first marriage (and probably my only one). It’s a horrible feeling. You will have to work at figuring out ways to keep that person.
Relationships shouldn’t be that much work.
I say this because if you have a solid foundation of mutual respect, then you come together to solve problems, rather than fighting over minutiae.
It all goes back to my initial thoughts. Be a nice guy and do the right thing for the right reasons. And love is always the right reasons for doing things.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
I wish I could tell you why people fall in love. Is it like beauty and the beast? You meet someone and think they are boorish? Or not your type or whatever… Then you realize they are more special than your first impression and you gasp, fall in love? And we know that love takes all sorts of directions and there different types, but I am talking about the romantic love.
So vicious to get to have the desire of one’s heart, and then become disillusioned after you obtain it. Isn’t that the rub? We have an illusion of our desire. And reality can sting.
So powerful of feeling when two people experience NRE (New Relationship Energy)