You want what you can’t have… but what if you get what you want? #relationships 

Today, I’m confused now more than ever. And I read what I wrote below and left in draft mode, and now i’m back at it, thinking about a lot of things. I’m thinking about motivations, and interactions, inducements and why. The truths of people’s observations of nearly 100 years ago, are still true today. We are as likened to our animal instincts as we are the greater human being that we believe we aspire to be. Pavlov, Skinner, Maslow, and Marston seem to key in on human behavior factors that all converge in an order. Maslow understood the why. Pavlov saw that process, Skinner focused on the sticks and carrots, and Marston saw the subtleties as things related to men and women. Marston suggests without realizing it, that it is much easier to induce someone who is low on the Maslow scale than it is on the upper end of the scale. Depending on where you fit in. But we are all conditioned within the scope our our relationships and realities, and we work hard to avoid negative reinforcement.

Still digesting a lot of material, there is a connection and when I find it, I will let you know.

Written in June 2017….

I remember my friend telling me, you have to be an asshole to women.  In fact the more of an asshole you are, the more they desire you.

He said, you know your problem, you are a nice guy.

It’s true, I consider myself unfortunately a nice guy. I think it is because I am wrapped up in believing that we narrative of what women want is someone who will treat them with respect and as an equal, and love them.

Oh how untrue that is, at least for many. I have a female friend who is single and dating. We were talking about how she would break up and make up with the same guy. And the more he pulled away, the stronger her attraction to keep the relationship alive became.

You want what you can’t have.

Just like my friend who said I was a nice guy; he would treat the woman I knew very bad, call her names, and publicly shame her. The more he did that, the more she would come around to bother him. She just wouldn’t leave her alone.  He said clearly, he had no desire to be with her, and it was true. And the more he would push away the more she would bother him.

I have had my share of crushes or loves or whatever you want to call them. And it is interesting to me that I can build these wonderful friendships but they don’t seem to go anywhere. And I wonder if it’s because I’m too available. It’s like I’m easy.

What is the carrot that these guys dangle in front of a woman that keeps them just interested enough to stay engaged, and yet not quick to dismiss these shenanigans?

I’m not saying that all of these is true for everyone but I can clearly see that as we search for people, sometimes it is the unobtainable that is the most desirable.

But what if you get what you want?

Maybe you break someone down and they finally decide, you are right, you are the person that I should be in a romantic relationship with? That clearly describes my first marriage (and probably my only one). It’s a horrible feeling. You will have to work at figuring out ways to keep that person.

Relationships shouldn’t be that much work.

I say this because if you have a solid foundation of mutual respect, then you come together to solve problems, rather than fighting over minutiae.

It all goes back to my initial thoughts. Be a nice guy and do the right thing for the right reasons. And love is always the right reasons for doing things.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

I wish I could tell you why people fall in love. Is it like beauty and the beast? You meet someone and think they are boorish? Or not your type or whatever… Then you realize they are more special than your first impression and you gasp, fall in love?  And we know that love takes all sorts of directions and there different types, but I am talking about the romantic love.

So vicious to get to have the desire of one’s heart, and then become disillusioned after you obtain it. Isn’t that the rub? We have an illusion of our desire. And reality can sting.

So powerful of feeling when two people experience NRE (New Relationship Energy)

People you love

So I’m sitting here in Starbucks, and thought I would write about people you love.

I find it intriguing how your brain processes people. How memories are important to understanding desires.

Being single at 48 makes me think, how do you go through this courtship process. You say, if I knew at 18 or 21 what I know today. But I know it today, and it does me no good. And maybe because I’m still much of the same person I have always been. Stuck between being good and bad.

So I meet someone and now it’s a world of life commitment as soon as you swipe right. I’m scared, and while I want to jump in and close my eyes, I pull myself back.

But then when I think of people from my past, I see myself more mentally prepared to go the extra mile, and maybe it’s because I know their narrative. The longer you know people, maybe it’s like to kill a mockingbird.

You never really know a person until you walk around in their moccasins.

I don’t know anything really. I just am rambling along.

I do know that for myself, I am lucky to have met wonderful women who have made me better by just knowing them. Crushes aren’t the end of who you are, they are a reminder of how powerful love can be. And that you have the capacity to love with all of your heart.

Some people might say, cut that shit off, let go! And I think that Love isn’t about that. You can let them go here, but never in your heart. It’s ok to experience those emotions as long as they don’t consume you and prevent you from moving on to finding Love elsewhere. And it’s out there. Trust me, I know it is. There are 6 billion people in the world. People get married many times over.

Love is out there, sometimes you just think about the loves of the past in a romantic way, and that’s the beauty of the past.

Love and Death

Ok, so the title is weird, but hear me out, the thoughts of the last week and culminating up through yesterday had me thinking a lot about that very subject.

You see, my brother’s ex-wife passed away yesterday. She was 45 years old and died of liver failure. While some of the health issues surrounding her death are probably going to be a mystery, the fact that she was addicted to alcohol was not.

She leaves behind family, a son and others.

So it got me thinking about a few things. We have been focused on Puerto Rico, Las Vegas and other tragedies and now here is one that is sort of affecting my family.

Imagine 45 years old and dying unexpectedly. Really, dying at any age can be tragic. Who mourns for you. When you’re dead I guess you don’t care. Mourners get a chance to focus on the people they want to remember. They get a chance to deal with their loss.

So this had me thinking about Yom Kippur which just passed last week. And we talk about being inscribed into the book of life. We know that people die everyday. And I would like to believe that God does not write people in some magical book and say, it’s your time to go, and the method is also predetermined by how you have lived your life.

Good people die. There is a great book, why bad things happen to good people that explains a lot. And sometimes you just have to accept death as part of life. No one knows how many breathes they will take, or how many heart beats they will have.

So I wonder, because life is so precious and I am focused on the future, which is good, but am I ignoring the now?

Who will remember me when I’m gone? Who will burn a candle in my honor, or place a stone on my grave? Does it matter?

I could get into the crazy esoteric aspects of the soul, but what it really is about is being loved and loving others.

Once a year, during Yom Kippur, they have a service called Yiskor, where they remember the dead. They remember loved ones. Family, friends, martyrs. Every Synagogue has Yahrzeit lights that are lit to recall the dead. You hope that people will be around to remember you, even if it means just turning the bulb on a light and saying your name at a service.

I will remember my loved ones. Because I know our days are numbered. And if I live longer than my friends, I will remember and light those candles and leave that stone.

Guns, safety, and Freedom

Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. – Benjamin Franklin

What liberty is he talking about? Some thoughts that might take you down a rabbit hole are found here.

But is having 2nd amendment rights to guns something that provides liberty or safety in our world today?

The answer is startling that we say the solution to the shooting in Las Vegas is more surveillance and more police.

What is liberty? To not fear he intrusiveness of the government in our daily lives? Or the ability to purchase any weapon of opportunity?

The 2017 reality is that the government can respond, but it can’t keep us safe from crazy people.

So there is this argument; Hitler took the guns away from the people. Don’t believe it. In fact he relaxed much of the gun laws in Germany. Hitler and guns – Salon.com

Why can’t we have a conversation about responsible gun ownership? I understand wanting to own a gun for self protection, but where is the need for the weapons that the shooter in Las Vegas to be made available to anyone?

If we aren’t looking to curb gun violence, we just may be asking for extreme government surveillance as the tax to keep our guns, and that’s not a tax I’m willing to pay.

Flag or Idol Worship?

Sometimes I wonder what branch of the military holds the flag to more reverence? Having served in the Navy, I tend to believe the level of traditions there may have a long history of Flag and Colors ceremonies.

My indoctrination to Flag worship was in kindergarten. I remember we had to stand up every morning at 8am, put our right hand over our hearts and say the pledge. Not that we really understood what it meant or why, but it was something that brought us together.

I remember looking at a full length mirror in Mrs Schultz class, and next to the mirror was a photo of Then President Ford. It had a caption that said “Our President”. I don’t know if we spend much time these days trying to instill pride and patriotism into our posterities? And I don’t believe that pride in one’s country is a bad thing to have at all.

But let’s go down a path of conversation for just a moment. The problem with the pledge, is the idea that we pledge to the flag and the flag is first and foremost. Not only that, people won’t say the pledge unless there is a flag in the room, and then, they must turn and face the flag. Excuse me, but I think we are out of control with this level of protocol.

This reminds me of the Story of Abraham and the idols. Maybe you’ve heard it. Abraham is at his father’s idol store where he sells all sorts of great idols, big ones, little ones, etc. His father says, I have to go please mind the store while I’m gone. Abraham already rationalized that there was nothing to these idols, they were just stone statues. He began to destroy all of the idols, except a little one that he placed in the center of the store. When is father came back, he was angry, what did you do to the idols, he demanded to know.

Abraham replied, while you were gone the big idols made fun of the small idol and the small idol smited all the large idols. And from that point Abraham was on the run.

The point is, people know these things aren’t real, and yet they still put their minds to focus on them.

But there is another story I want to tell, and it comes from the Movie, the Frisco Kid, staring Gene Wilder (Avram) and Harrison Ford (Tommy).

Gene Wilder plays a Rabbi traveling from Europe to San Fransisco. On his way he is befriended by a Robber turned friend, played by Ford.

There is a scene where Wilder seemingly makes a choice between saving his friend and saving the Torah. Later this conversation transpired:

Avram: I told you that I can’t be a rabbi.

Tommy: [Tommy hurls a piece of bread at him] Don’t you tell me that. Just don’t say that again. Not after what I’ve been through to get your goddamn ass here alive. If you hadn’t have shot that man, then we’d both be dead. Do you understand that, you ignorant asshole? You do understand that? He was gonna kill you and then he was gonna kill me, am I right? When you shot that son of a bitch, that was not a sin. Then what the hell are we talking about?

Avram: When those men were shooting at you, I ran to save the Torah.

Tommy: So? I understand that. You’re a man of God. I understand that.

Avram: I wasn’t thinking about God. I didn’t do it because of God. I don’t know one thing about God. I was thinking about a book. I cared more for a book than I did for my best friend. I don’t know if you can understand that. I don’t want to insult you. But do you understand what I mean? I chose a piece of paper instead of you!

When we start worshipping things, important as they may seem, over loving our fellow man, we lose every time.

Religions all put people above things and idolatry. Yet this flag obsession is love of country. And it has turned neighbors against neighbor. It has become a golden calf of a new generation instead of the symbol of hope and freedom. Let’s restore it’s true meaning and give it the dignity that it should get without making it something it is not.

Let’s talk Rights

Everyone is up in arms over the Bend the knee and NFL controversy. And while I am a supporter of the players, I do believe that employers have certain fundamental rights as well.

When you work for a company, they expect that you will behave in a certain way. When you wear their uniform or represent them, you represent their brand.

NFL players ultimately have to show their allegiance to the NFL. If the rules say you can’t put a sticker on your helmet, or whatever they have that doesn’t violate labor law, you have to comply. Failure to do so may result in consequences for your actions.

The NFL has taken a position that they respect the rights of players, and will allow them to use that time to make a quiet protest. There are lots of arguments for and against the league making the stand, from a boycott from players or fans.

Ultimately, companies make decisions based on dollars. If the fans abandon the NFL, maybe the league will change the rules. If this was a one time protest, maybe nothing will happen.

But my point is that we have these rights. You have the right to be offended. And people have the right to protest. You can debate the forum. But the NFL has granted the forum, so the debate is over.

You now can choose the consequences. You can choose not to watch or you can agree with the players,

Something must be really important for a person to potentially throw away a career over a belief. Think about it for a moment.

Flags and Statues

There seems to be confusion in the country about what we fight for.

A Sailor/Solider’s oath, which is also similar to other government officials is:

I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed …

I don’t see anywhere where it says, I will defend a Flag or Statue. It says defend the Constitution. It says that I will stay true to the constitution and protect it.

Yes, Military members are respectful to the Flag, but it is not because they swore an oath to defend the flag.

I do not worship a flag, or statue. I protect ideals. It’s time to stop hiding behind some made up version of patriotism that’s only purpose is to keep a segment of society down, or so you can carry a gun, or whatever special single minded thing you’re interested in.

There is nothing in the constitution that refers to the Flag.

There are so few that have served in the Military, and so many who act as if they would actually serve, it is ridiculous. So armchair patriots, go to your nearest recruiting office while you have the chance, and sign up and defend something, and maybe, just maybe you’ll understand it’s about things like, the citizens of this great country. It’s about the deep history of the people who died defending freedom and the constitution, and the things in those documents. It’s about honor, courage and commitment.

Spare me your first world problems

I just survived hurricane Irma, held up in a house less than 50 miles from the eye, with 80+ mile and hour winds and tornado warnings going off all night. I lost power, water, and gasp internet and cable. But I had cell coverage the entire time.

So within a week, services have been restored. I didn’t have much damage at my place and my building (I live in a condo) didn’t have any problems at all. So now I’m seeing on different social media sites people talking about, spare me your first world problems. Poor baby, you lost power for a week. Look at the people in the Caribbean who lost their whole island, or the Florida Keys, who will take years to recover, or Texas which had severe flooding and loss of homes.

I don’t think that not being able to flush a toilet and live in sanitary conditions is a “first world” problem. Having electricity is not a first world problem. It’s a human problem.

Some people say, it’s no different than camping, so suck it up buttercup. But let’s face it, people prepare to go camping and camping is supposed to be fun, and you can go home anytime. First world problems.

Now I am not saying that others don’t have it bad out there. Even where I live, people have lost roofs, been without power and still are without power. Some people rely on the Internet to do their job, and they are disconnected from making a living. People can say they are lucky to be alive. I agree we are, but having amenities and expectations for them doesn’t make you a bad person. And it doesn’t make you a bad person to complain about not being able to flush a toilet.

Here is a map of the Earth at night provided by NASA. Where the lights are on, you can be sure you are looking at the first world. People have electricity, civilization, running water, sanitation.

Natural disasters happen. It can be an earthquake, look at Mexico recently, or rising flood waters in the midwest, or draughts in deserts, or blizzards. They happen, and the human race adapts and overcomes. But it doesn’t mean we just live with it. If we take that approach, things will never get better, and lives will never improve.

Thank goodness for first world problems. Yes I am fortunate to have them, but I would hope the whole world has the basic needs.

But what really are first world problems?

It’s a pair of designer jeans, it’s not being able to buy the newest iPhone, or owning a BMW, or only drinking bottled water, or your favorite restaurant isn’t open, and you didn’t have Starbucks coffee.

But when people complain about not having water, power, or a way to communicate, that’s just world problems, and it’s no joke.

So let’s stop saying that because you don’t have it as bad as the next guy, that you are just experiencing first world problems, because basic needs are human problems.

A Floridian Speaks about Hurricane Survival.

A friend posted this on FB, but the current origin is unknown.

Dear Non-Floridians,

Rules when discussing the hurricane with Floridians need to be put in place- and I have elected myself to make the rules. I held a fair election and I won by a unanimous vote.

1) Calling people who don’t evacuate “idiots” or saying “they deserve what happens to them” is a judgement statement that without facts, you are not qualified to make.

2) Just go get a plane ticket! (You can’t just fly out.) Don’t make statements or give advice on how we should evacuate. You don’t have the slightest knowledge of what we are up against. There are challenges to leaving. Flights out are being changed, cancelled, delayed. Tickets are $2-3,000 higher than they normally are and that’s one way.

3) Don’t say “Get in your car and drive fast out” A) Gas stations are getting fuel still, but that fuel is gone before the lines are empty.

B. ) There is no driving fast. Cars are moving 5-7 mph on highways trying to get to safety. The lines are long and imagine, with a gas shortage, being stuck on highways in jams for 12-15 hours.

4) Florida has one way out, and that is through the top (Northern) part of the state. There are basically 2 major roads out. Those roads are jammed, backed up, and not expected to change.

5) To post “Florida is about to be wiped off the map” because you are watching the news reports and panicking from 3,000 miles away- is not the most uplifting thing for us to see. Plus, don’t speak your devastation to us. Be positive!

6) “If I lived in Florida, I would have evacuated a week ago.” Well I’m not so sure that you would have. It’s not that simple if you have a heart…not only that, you don’t know until the final days which path the storm is going to take. Homes have to be boarded up. Things have to be done to ensure that if you do leave, you have somewhere to return.

7) Stop saying God is angry and that’s why Texas went through what Texas went through and that Florida is being hit. God isn’t angry. Every person in the path of destruction was created in His image. Every person not in the path of destruction was created in His image. He is not angry. He is not judging us. He is not putting His wrath down. If you believe that, we don’t serve the same God.

8.) “Go to a safer part of the state.” Yes, we thought of that. No one knows exactly what part that is. If Irma takes a turn it could hit the west coast- if we are all fleeing to the west coast because it says the east coast is the most dangerous, then that could be costly. We know what we need to do and we are monitoring the situation.

Feel Free to pray for us!

Feel Free to check on us, text us, call us. But, don’t text your fears of our demise. Don’t call us crying because you are scared for us.

We have a storm to conquer and we need to be healthy, mentally and physically.

When your son or daughter or friend gets ready to go play in a competitive sport … before the game, do you call them and say ….

“you are going to lose”

“don’t show up for the game”

“The odds are against you”

I would hope not… well we are preparing to overcome this storm. Send us some prayers and encouragement! We welcome it! If you are going to do anything less than that, turn your TV or radio off and keep your mouth shut!

God bless all, stay safe, love and help your neighbors.

Texas, in your desperate hour, where will you turn?

I remember the first time I really saw a TV preacher. Living in Los Angeles there were plenty of them on the UHF channel. But then I saw the movie Oh God! Starring George Burns. Paul Sorvino played a preacher who didn’t believe that God was talking to the John Denver character. Of course George Burns as God does all sorts of great conversation and leaves everybody thinking that the religious folks don’t really have as much faith in people or God as one might think. And as a little kid watching the show that has always been my go to thought of a TV preacher. It’s funny because many of the TV preachers talk very similar to the way Paul Sorvino did in that movie.

https://youtu.be/rzIs51GUVgg

For the most part I think that the best religion is the faith in your own community with people that you know. So many small ministries, synagogues, mosques go out of their way to help their communities in times of need in crisis. The people who run these organizations are unknown and unsung heroes. They certainly do not do it for the fame or glory they just do it because it’s the right thing to do.

 

It won’t be long before we forget about the fact that some guy in Houston who is known for being the mattress king, opened up his stores to provide shelter for as many people as he could hold in his establishments. You certainly don’t have to have religion to help people.

 

I think people wonder that when they are at their most desperate time of need who will be there for them? People turn to the government and they definitely turn to their faith.

 

During this hurricane that ravaged the south east of Texas, there of been amazing people who have stepped up and done wonderful things to help save people. There will be thousands of stories of bravery and selfless humanity that will come out of this tragedy. Unfortunately the story of the TV preacher will not be one of them.